The Elf on a Shelf is Weird

Hi All! Regular non-academic soapbox time! In preparation for the inevitable Christmas season, here’s my little rant on Elf on a Shelf PLUS a free ‘things that don’t make sense’ segment! Lucky you! All for the convenient price of FREE!

WARNING – If you are somehow a tiny child who has access to this website and is wondrously reading this post, I suggest you stop. There are uncomfortable truths about the magic of Christmas here that may be upsetting to tiny eyes.

For those of you unfamiliar with Elf on a Shelf, it’s essentially a small toy sold on the premise that you can tell your children that it’s one of Santa’s elves that has come to watch you to make sure you’re being good.

On one side, it sounds endearing to have a ‘Santa’s helper’ in the house to pose daily and leave for the children to find every morning. Honestly I love that idea and hope to use it myself sometime. Will we find the Elf sitting on the pudding? Will they be hiding in the tree? The thought of playing a daily game of hide-n-seek with a toy is thrilling and I’m 100% here for it.

On the other side, however, it’s a creepy tactic for threatening children with adverse outcomes if the surveillance doll catches them misbehaving.
Essentially, if you’re bad the surveillance elf will report back to the police Santa and you will be arrested not get any toys on a day you’re highly anticipating. Because an anonymous third party is dictating what behaviour is acceptable, and you’re not in control of the reports or the information sent whatsoever.

I am not in favour of the creepy surveillance doll and won’t be using the threat of a ‘bad report to Santa’ to motivate behaviour which should be intrinsic and self-motivated.

Behave well because you know it’s the right thing to do, not because some sinister agent elf is watching.

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On another and slightly related note…after my rapid departure from Catholicism a few years back I’m quite hesitant to bring Santa into the equation for Christmas cheer at all. If my partner and I want to encourage a sense of generosity and kindness during this time of year, would it not make more sense to openly tell our children that their mother has gifted them a toy? Out of the goodness of her own heart, and desire to bring them happiness?

There would be no requests for a magical endless supply of trinkets from a mystical being, and it would circumvent the whole ‘why do rich children get more from Santa than poor children?’ conversation. They would receive a gift from their parents, under the explicit understanding that we’re feeling generous this time of year, and perhaps our children can ‘pay it forward’ by being kind to others until they grow old enough to be generous themselves.

In the long-haul game of parenting my partner and I uphold the sense of consistency at all times. Despite the current lack of children, we’re highly consistent with each other and our families in preparation of the fact. We don’t intend on building traditions with a foundation of lies and deception, so why make an exception for Christmas?

Here’s a petite list of other things that, especially around holiday periods like Christmas, don’t make any sense;

• A sudden influx of people buying things,
• People buying things to wrap the things that they’ve bought,
• A need to add to an already unreasonable pile of things with more, newer things that aren’t multi-purpose and usually go unused,
• Christmas-themed things that evidently serve little to no purpose outside a designated 4 weeks (or so) per year,
• Deliciously tasty things that are limited in availability except for a designated 4 weeks per year (I’m looking at you, Gingerbread lattes and sweet mint frappes)
• Discounted prices on relatively necessary things that, considering how often these things go on sale, could just be sold at that lower price regularly.
• Usually calm shopping malls becoming hell-scapes of noisy crowds, completely full parking bays, and tantrums thrown by adults and children alike. Where are these people during the rest of the year, and could they please return to that place?
• Long lines of people purchasing idly useless items that serve the purpose of ‘gifts I’m buying people because I’m obliged to buy something but I don’t like the person enough to get them something valuable, useful or personalised‘.
  You know the type. Generic mugs, oddly-shaped picture frames, tea towels, a low-quality snow globe, achingly bland coffee-table books, and many other things that society could be better off without.
• The local mail service implementing cost-cutting drives during the year yet slowing down the efficiency of service in December because the demand overwhelms capacity.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that Christmas time has become a highly commercial event, with shops attempting to sell everything available at a ridiculous price, all for the sake of a consumerist desire for perfection. It’s a problem, and one with systemic issues at its root. Children don’t need piles of toys to achieve happiness, but a nice surprise as a kind gesture from a loved one is an enjoyable experience nonetheless. Adults don’t need the latest hyper-specialised appliance to make coffee one specific (and often terrible) way, so why reward the industry by purchasing it?

As an emotionally balanced and reasonable human being, my husband and I forego the concept of unnecessary presents in favour of more family time and shared experiences. We prefer to walk the neighbourhood in search of the best Christmas lights, watch movies at home with soft candlelight in the background, and gift-wrap items that we actually need for the upcoming year – such as socks, daily planners, and a new mug for the office. The amount is always small, and consideration goes into what the recipient needs rather than a frivolous desire for things they don’t.

Long story short, I’m one of those people who understand if children have a hard time keeping it together under the stresses of a commercial holiday period. Bright, flashing lights, distracting decorations, larger crowds and noises than usual, adults hurriedly bustling around for an unknown purpose, and people with less patience than usual – it’s an environment ripe for a meltdown. Even I struggle to keep calm when my local mall becomes a sardine can full of irate and impatient strangers. How could I expect more from a smaller, younger person?

Adding the threat of punishment in the event of poor behaviour only compounds the stress. When you mix overwhelming external stimuli with impending excitement and an unusual amount of candy produced for the season, you have a kettle of volatile emotions boiling over. So, for the peace of mind of both myself and my future family, I’ll nip the concept of Elf on a Shelf and Santa in the bud, and attempt to simplify the whole experience by removing aspects that don’t make sense.

This has been your regular soapbox publication by the one and only Me.