Brief Update

So it’s been a while since I posted.

I’m alive! It’s alright 😀

I submitted my thesis for examination on February 1, 2022, just in time to ring in the Lunar New Year. I didn’t want the baggage of my old degree to follow me into the new year (not with everything else that’s going on), so I put my foot down and told my Professors that I’m done.

Like…mentally and emotionally. I can’t work on this any longer.

After researching burnout for years I finally got a taste of what it would take to get to that point myself. Feeling like I wasn’t in control of my own project anymore, being given meaningless tasks that only prolonged my suffering, and feeling generally crummy for days on end and desperately wanting a break (yet not being given one) was where I found the end of my rope. I was nauseous, I was tired and in physical pain from sitting at my desk too long, and I just wanted the damn document off my computer.

So I submitted it. That was the best it was ever going to be, and I was glad to be rid of it.

Now it’s on the desks of examiners. It can take a few months for them to process, but I don’t care. I’m resting, regaining my wellbeing, and generally not thinking of the future too much. Will I find employment? At this point I really don’t care. I’m a bit broken from my experiences and just want some more sleep.

The fallacy of thinking ‘it won’t happen to me’ struck in this final year of my doctorate, assuming I had all the knowledge and skills to leave the degree unscathed. That I wouldn’t be one of the dead-eyed graduates who stumble haggard out of the college. Yet here I am, feeling like a shell of the energetic self who entered the program in 2017. Where did they go? Probably drowned, somewhere, under all the paperwork and false promises of academia.

I’ll find my vim and vigor again, it’ll just take some time.

In the interim I have lots of exciting things to prepare. I’m writing a novel, I’ve set up a play-by-post roleplay forum for my friends, I’m an auntie, and my partner and I are prepping our current home for sale to move somewhere bigger. It’s all happening! I’m also helping my partner study for their final exams, too, which is a loving focus I didn’t have the bandwidth for while struggling with my own studies. I can finally be the supportive and present partner I have wanted to be for a while.

The one side effect, of course, is that I haven’t had time to write for this blog. Or check my emails.

I won’t lie – It’s been kind of nice, really.

So don’t worry for my sake! I’ve been having slow mornings watching the sunrise, then going back to bed because I can. I’ve been making loaves of bread, trays of slices and cakes, and weeding my garden like I’ve wanted to for years. I’ve been cleaning properly, going for slow walks under the shade of local trees, and reclaiming my sense of identity separate from scholarship for the first time since…

…well…since high school, I suppose.

Watch this space for a few more updates. I hope you’ve all been well too!